Things you need to know

This is not a normal web site. In fact, we are not even in the same geographic meridian as normal, mainstream or even socially acceptable. Think of us as the internet's dark side ... Without all the cheap porn and lame-ass credit card ads. If Al Gore invented the internet, then we reside in that demented sector of the web which spawned from some terrifying Johnny Rotten lyric and mutated into a subculture of which is terrifying even to Eastern Bloc hackers and hardcore gamers.

Be afraid. Be very afraid.

Who should NOT be here:

OK, you're here and we haven't scared you away yet. That means you are either really bad ass - the kind of dude (or hard ass, killer-hot, scrotum detaching babe) who truly deserves to wear our body jewelry - or you are A) really into pain and humiliation B) haven't figured it all out yet and are waiting for a clarification with smaller words and visual aids or C) someone who really doesn't belong here.

Types of People Who Should GO away

Biffs
This is a broad category and includes:
-Anyone who was given a nickname ending in "Y" (Muffy,Buffy, Krissy, Topsey) or one that sounds like your vomitting into a cotton ball (Biff, Kris, Chip, Topher) or who has a moniker that was meant for a small pet (Tipper, Pippa, Kitty, Chip, Skip or Tad). Oh, this also includes anyone who knows what the hell a "moniker" is. Honestly, you people lost all self respect so long ago that even the concept of *dignity* or *pride* have become obscure.

Laguna Beach People*
You know who you are - I don't need to say anything more. But I will.

If anyone took the time to really look behind the thin venier of society and wished to extrapolate the true moral decay of society - it would be you people. Honest to God, it's political correct, socially acceptable, perfectly coifed, anal retentive people like you that brought down great societies throughout history. Like Greece. Seriously. I mean, those guys had the baddest-ass heirarchy of Titans, gods, demi-gods and even some extra hot mortals that they liked to have sex with. Their soldiers were relentless, merciless bastards who lived life on the edge and feared nothing. The Spartans would throw their male babies into a pond when they were a week old. If they swam to the top, they were strong enough to survive. Otherwise, oh well ... Let the old lady pop out another one. That's what I'm talking about. These guys were on top of everything. They gave us really cool stuff like math and togas and the movie "300". What happened to this immortal society?

Laguna Beach people happened. You thinking, simpering, specious breed of sophists managed - once again - to crawl out of that cesspool or whorehouse from which you were hatched and infiltrated one of the greatest societies in history. And what happened to the mighty Greeks culture? They turned into lame-ass degenerate politicians and philosophy majors who had all the wealth, culture and fine trimmings of a utopian society ... In other words, they became a pack of pathetic, sophist butt pirates who ran through young boys faster than a Fleet enema. They became "Laguna Beach people".

You don't want to be here. Really. How the hell have to managed to read this far into the page? Don't go any further. And, please, don't forward our site to your friends. You don't want to be here. We already know your computer's IP address and we'll have a Google maps of your front door in the next 23 seconds. Leave. Now. We don't like you ... And we are coming for your children.

Normal People

Ok, did I mention that this is a body jewelry site? You get that, in order to wear our product, you need to have a hole driven into your flesh where no hole was ever intended ... Right? I just want to make certain that you are clear on that. Because, if you're NOT ready to be appropriately pierced, punctured, impaled or lacerated, then you're just lurking. Got that? lurrrrking.

I know, I know. That's a bad word. It's offensive for me to even suggest that you would do someting as socially inappropriate as lurk. I should be ashamed. But I'm not. Go be "normal" somewhere else - and go get your kicks off something more socially acceptable.

We know who you are. We know where you live - and we're coming for your children.

Go somewhere else. We'll see you again soon ... On "To Catch a Predator" with Stone Phillips, no doubt.

"US"
ok, you got this far and by now you are laughing your ass off, along with your red-hot bitch and several buddies who look like understudies from "A Clockwork Orange". Okay, you don't know what "A Clockwork Orange" is ... It's your kids. They'll make you proud someday. They will be so twisted and warped that even Milk will have violent, demented underpinnings. Very cool. Very cool.

You're our kind of people. We like you. Even Mitch likes you - and he doesn't like anybody. Except cats. Really fat, ugly, scrotum vivisecting cats.

You're the type of person who truly deserves to have cool shit shoved into your face, navel, eyeballs, nose and places that would make it through an airport cavity search. Yeah. That's what I'm talking about.

Here's what you need to know - this is good stuff. Buy it. Wear it. Your new tongue stud or labrette will give Muffy and Biff nightmares. YOU will be the reason the Laguna Beach crowd needs Depends by the time they reach 45. We can't guarantee that your gonna get laid any more than you are right now - but the quality of those romps will probably change. There's nothing like a well placed tongue stud to turn a first date into something resembling revenge sex with a Banshee. Yeah. You people are really warped. We like that. Buy our stuff.

*a final word about Laguna Beach People.
Let's get one thing straight - I'm not talking about OLD Laguna Beach people. You guys are cool but, let's face it, you're a rare breed. You held the fort and haven't succumbed to the trappings and pretty baubles of "the Man". In the face of unbridled wealth and cool stuff, you just keep on hangin' on. Abby Hoffman would be proud. You guys (and you broads who still won't wear a bra - even though your formerly tight ta-tas have turned into weapons of death should you decide to turn around too quickly) know what I mean when I say "Laguna Beach People". Even a lot of the old farts went over to the other side - like Jerry Rueben when he turned in his burning draft card for an American Express Gold. What a friggin' bedwetting little puke HE turned out to be!

Anyways, I'm not ragging on you. But you already new that. You've been with me from the beginning. You understand. So, help us out here. Pick up the fight to eliminate these inbreds. Buy our stuff and sell it to their kids. Keep fighting the good fight and thank you for reading my humble rant.